Okay, as many of you know, i basically lived in Austin for the last twenty years. One of the local slogans (if you will) is "Keep Austin Weird"...as you might guess, many people hold to that, and make an attempt at weirdness from time to time. For the last three months or so, I've been living in Salt Lake City, and i must say, people here are ofttimes strange and weird without any real effort on their part. Lets just review a three day stretch i had over the weekend, and leading into this week.
Day one: "The Groove Master"....I'm standing at the Trax (light rail) station outside of Gallavan Plaza, when i see a short black man in a yellow t-shirt and big old headphones rounding the corner onto Main from 3rd south....i say rounding, but what i really mean is dancing. But perhaps dancing isn't the best description...he was going backward and forward, side to side, high and low, jucking and jiving, arms alive, body contorted....just plain and simple jamming the fuck out and letting it out there for all to see. As people would try to pass by him, he'd make sure to personalize the dance for them for a few moments, then keep jammin' on down the street. I could picture him listening to some Earth, Wind, and Fire, Curtis Mayfield, maybe some Isley's....can't say for sure, but what i do know is i want to hear whatever it is he was jammin' to. Must've been some groovin', bad ass tunes! (side note....this guy I've seen several times downtown....perhaps one day, I'll actually find out what the song(s) is (are)....
Day two: "The slowest walking guy on Earth"....walking down 3rd South heading East on the way to work. I see a guy a few blocks up walking the same direction I'm walking. He was noticeable at that point because of his bright red shirt and also due to his size (double large, and when i finally came up on him, i saw he was drinking an orange soda). I initially thought he was just standing still or something, but as i got closer, it became apparent that he was actually moving.....barely. In the 2 or so minutes it took me to walk basically 3 blocks, he had possibly moved 15 feet....As i got closer, i could see him taking full strides......of about an inch or so at a time. It actually seemed a struggle. I passed him up and kept walking.....about two blocks up, i had to turn north. I looked back out of curiosity. When i had passed him, he was just beginning to walk past a driveway. When i looked back, he hadn't quite made it across yet! I estimate his average block foot travel time to be approximately 30 minutes. I figure, if you weren't crazy before you started walking that slow, the sheer enormity of the endeavor would be enough to drive one crazy. As a side note, i decided to test out the one inch stride and nearly busted my ass! Seems impossible for the average human being....
Day three: "The Cupcake Man"....I get on the Trax heading south. I take an empty seat across the aisle from some random dude. I notice he's holding a huge cupcake with copious amounts of frosting (at least as much frosting as cake, with glitter candies!). As is my custom, i take my book out of my backpack and start reading. I start to hear the guy taking deep raspy breaths and kind of mumbling to himself. Naturally, i look over. I notice he's got a bag at his side filled with random bottles. However, what really draws my attention is the fact that he seems to be holding onto this cupcake for dear life, using both hands and holding it out in front of him at chest level as if this very cupcake is the very reason for his existence. I then begin noticing other things....he's sweating profusely, short of breath, hands trembling, staring directly into the flame that was his cupcake. Every so often he'd stop to lick some frosting off various parts of his arm (I don't even care to speculate how the frosting seemed to be traveling so far). All of a sudden, the cupcake takes a dive and splat!!!....right on the floor in front of him. He doesn't even seem to notice. He's still got his hands in the same position, eyes still on the spot formerly held by a certain cupcake god. Something must have clicked a few minutes later, for he looks down, picks up the cupcake uncertainly, and definitely with a look that said "I'm still going to consume you" stands up to get off the Trax, loses his balance, flies forward barely catching himself on a safety bar next to one of the exits...mind you, the cupcake remains safely in his hands at this time....and exits the Trax. My best guess was heroin, or possibly the onset of zombiism, but how does that explain the cupcake?
That's not even mentioning the lady walking down 4th south singing "Let the bodies hit the floor" loudly with arms flailing....and no headphones!
People!!!!!!
